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Support Others

How You Can Support Others

When someone you know has experienced harm or violence, it may be hard to know what to say or do. Try following the steps below, and remember that your continued support is probably important to them, no matter what they decide.

Consider the Impact of Trauma

Listen Actively and Be Open

Respect the Person’s Choices

Consider Privacy and Safety

Use Supportive Statements

Avoid the Following Types of Questions

Share Resources and Information

Consider the Impact of Trauma

  • Recognize that trauma can affect people in many ways.
  • Remember that people may express the same emotions in different ways.
  • Let the person experiencing abuse decide how much they are ready to share with you.
  • Be mindful of your facial expressions, body language, and other non-verbal cues.

Listen Actively and Be Open

  • Start by believing the person being harmed or experiencing violence.
  • Listen without judgment or giving advice.
  • Recognize and accept the feelings of the person being abused without telling them how they should feel.
  • Mirror the person’s language when referring to their situation or experience of violence, including how they refer to the person who caused or is causing them harm.
  • Avoid judging or criticizing the person’s behavior, or the behavior of the person causing harm (in cases of intimate partner or family violence). This may make the person feel reluctant to speak with you again.
  • Avoid blaming or defending the person’s culture.

Respect the Person’s Choices

  • Let the person experiencing harm decide what is best for them, even if you disagree.
  • Talking about their experiences does not mean the person is ready to take action
  • Leaving an abusive situation can be complicated. A person experiencing harm may not want to or be ready to leave. Leaving may also put the person in more danger.
  • Offer options, your support, and information about resources—not your opinion on what they should or shouldn’t do.

Consider Privacy and Safety

  • Try to move to a private space to talk; be aware of who is around, and where the person may feel more comfortable.
  • Do not share information about their situation with anyone unless the person experiencing harm asks you to.
  • In cases of intimate partner violence, do not confront or attack the person causing harm. This may put both you and the person experiencing harm at risk.
  • Remember that there can be serious safety risks involved in intimate partner and family violence. Leaving the situation or breaking up with the person causing harm may not be safe for the person experiencing harm, or their family.

Use Supportive Statements

  • “It’s not your fault; anyone could find themselves in this situation.”
  • “What can I do to support you?”
  • “It must be very painful when someone you care about is frightening you.”
  • “I am worried about your safety. What do you think would help you feel safe?”
  • “How can I help?”
  • Do not place conditions on your support, by saying things like, “I can only help you if…” e.g. report it to the police

Avoid the Following Types of Questions

  • “Why would you let your partner/family member treat you that way?”
  • “What did you do to make your partner/family member angry?”
  • “Why are you still with your partner?”
  • “How can you love someone like that?”
  • “Why don’t you just leave”
  • "Why did you go out alone at night?"
  • "Did you do anything to lead them on?"
  • "What were you wearing?"
  • “How much did you drink?”

Share Resources and Information

  • Encourage the person experiencing harm to get help when they are ready. Let them know about NYC Family Justice Centers and other local community-based organizations where they can go to receive free, confidential information and services.
  • Get information on relationship abuse, stalking, sexual violence, and other forms of gender-based violence, and share it with the person experiencing harm, if they want it.
  • Call 311 or NYC's 24/7 hotlines for Domestic Violence (1-800-621-4673 (HOPE)), Sexual Assault (1-212-227-3000), or Trafficking (1-718-943-8631) anonymously, to find out what you can do to help, and to learn more about resources.
  • Call 911 in case of emergency.
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